She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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