I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
