My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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