He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
So much Jack, so little girl.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
