Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
