So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
