I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I wear drunk well.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
