I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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