When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
