John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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