Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
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