Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
