why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
