the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
