you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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