The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize