we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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