If i come over, it means nothing
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
