Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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