1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
50% drunk capacity currently
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Randomize
