Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
