oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
