I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
A bitchslap is in order.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
