thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Randomize
