Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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