Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
