I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
