If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Randomize
