my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Randomize
