Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
