EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
