So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
