I'm pants shitting drunk right now
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
there is puke in my bra ... again
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