Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Randomize
