question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
