funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Randomize
