I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
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