This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
