That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
you never un-have a 4some
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Randomize
