Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Houston, we have a blender
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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