Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
