I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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