You don't have asthma, your pregnant
We had to coat check the pizza.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize
