just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
