I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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