Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize