just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
