In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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