sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
