Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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