first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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