I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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