Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Sober January is a disaster.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
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