Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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