Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
