dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
its not stalking. its research.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Randomize
