Plan B is the new Plan A
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
