a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Randomize
