btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
