Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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