So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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