FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
We just shotgunned beers for America
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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