Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
