why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
